Doubt and Grief
by S.R. Wells
Summary: Myka has just said goodbye to H.G. Wells and wished her luck with her new life with Adelaide and Nate. She's managed to keep up a calm front, but inside she breaking to pieces. She's just been able to admit to herself that she's in love with Helena. Now, she's regretting that she never had the change to admit to Helena that she loves her. But it's too late now.


Author's Notes: This should be the second story I wrote for Warehouse 13, once more about year ago. I watched that episode over 3 times, and every time it felt like I was being punched in the face with all of the emotion. I hope that I haven't ruined that painful beauty.

Disclaimer: Once more into the void we go, so say I, "Hark! I do not own Warehouse 13 or its character. I only write and experience intense emotion with them."

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She couldn't voice how her heart broke at seeing her happy. She couldn't bear to put her through any more pain than necessary, so she told her to fight for him. Somewhere in her mind, in her heart, she was silently begging Helena to fight for _her._ She just wouldn't voice it, for Helena's sake. For Helena's sake, she pasted a watery smile on her face and gave her a quick hug. All she wanted to do was to hug her tight and long. To reassure herself that she was still there with her. She wanted to hold Helena forever and never let go. But she had to man up and continue on with her life. She had to act as if her heart had not just been ripped ruthlessly out of her chest and beaten to a pulp. She had to wave and smile at Helena as Pete drove away. However, she didn't think her eyes could hide the sorrow that she felt.

She was grateful for Pete's vibes because she was sure that they were what was keeping him quiet right now. She needed quiet to deal with the mess that was her heart.

It clenched as she thought back to how Helena had told her about how she had wanted a normal life. A life without the Warehouse, a life without her… She wanted to be bitter and angry about how she had so easily latched onto Adelaide. She was fed up with Helena chasing after a ghost! She was tired of seeing her in pain. She, however, couldn't help but notice how remarkable Adelaide was. She had fallen in love with the little girl, without her wanting to. When she saw H.G. with Adelaide in the abandoned store… She had known that she had lost Helena for good.

She couldn't help but be _bitter_ at the fact that she had lost Helena before she had even had her. All of the sidelong glances, smiles, and moments of connection between them were broken. She wished that she had been able to tell Helena that she cared for her. No. She would not be so childish as to not to admit it to herself now. She was in love with Helena. In love with all the good and bad that made up the woman she loved. She never admitted it before because she was scared… So scared that she had never said anything about it. Myka was insecure. She knew that all too well, too many people had put her down before. So many that she doubted herself constantly.

She felt tears stream down her face; she did not touch them. She would allow herself that moment of not acknowledging her weakness. Her blindness, too. Her magnificent H.G. Wells was gone. She was forever bound to remain in Boone. No matter what she said about maybe meeting up for coffee, Myka knew that that would probably never happen. They had just been at the last crossroad, and they had both walked in the other direction.

Besides, Myka would not allow herself to see H.G. Wells again, unless she had to. Or if Helena wanted her to. That might as well be the same thing. She had been left so many times by the woman. The Victorian woman had stolen every single bit of her heart. Myka wasn't gay; she wasn't a lesbian. Helena had been the only one for Myka. Now… Now, she was gone. Myka couldn't see her again and then have to watch her vanish. She could not bear that pain again.

At least when Myka had no idea where H.G. was, she had her imagination to come up with hopeful possibilities. Helena mysteriously appearing at the Bed and Breakfast with a 'Hello, darling.' A tearful reunion. Joining forces again to save the day. Telling her that Myka loved her. H.G. saying that she knew and giving Myka a kiss. Hopeful romantic variations of that ran through her head like a wildfire. Nate and Adelaide had just extinguished that fire.

Now, Myka _had to_ face reality. Reality in all of its painful glory.

A life of endless wonder had been what she was offered. A life of endless hurt, agony, and loss had been what she had received.

 _There is no such thing as a happy ending,_ she thought ruefully.

It seemed that Myka was forever bound to live a life of sorrow. Always unloved. Always unwanted. Always alone. Constant darkness she faced every single waking moment. Dreadful nightmares when sleep came. One or two shooting stars of dreams of happiness and Helena. Dreams that would now only bring her misery, instead of _hope_ , as they once had. Hope. Hope might have been destroyed in an alternate future, but Myka felt like it had happened here. At least to her.

She felt so broken and weary. Depression at its finest. Suicidal thoughts were already sinking in as she contemplated her situation. One train of thought led to another, bleaker one. A downwards spiral of temptations. Temptations to end it all. End her suffering for good. She knew the song like the old friend that it was. It was a familiar tune that she could rehearse from her heart and soul.

She stared into the dark scenery; her eyes glazed over. Empty. Empty like her. Happiness and life- washed away. Tears drying on her face, making it salt incrusted. She felt like she didn't exist. That she was just a fiction in some cruel play.

"Myka?" Pete's voice startled her slightly. He sounded so small.

"Yeah, Pete?" her voice just managed to stay strong as she looked at him from the corner of her eyes.

He took one hand off of the wheel and grabbed her hand. He squeezed it and promised, "It will get better."

She removed her hand from his, crossing it over her chest. She gulped back tears and looked back into the darkness once more.

"I doubt it will."


End file.
